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Well- That's a mess! 

I was in a training this week, we spoke a lot about Race, trauma, women, emotions and expectation. A friend mentioned my website and I said..."Ugh! I want to change the whole thing but I don't have it in me right now". So today, I visited this space to see what I'd written, because my friend said "don't change it. I love it" Love what? I can't even remember what I wrote...

I landed, read some things and realized I had a blog page!! Not only did I have a page but I had a post in the drafts... Here's the thing. I don't like social media. I don't like the constant push to publish your thoughts as if the whole world is waiting for your voice. I have a voice, you have a voice...we all have one and everyone has a unique and interesting story. Some voices are so loud and malicious right now...and in those moments, I retreat to the woods with my dog. I turn off my phone and listen for the sounds of the woods. The crunch under my dogs feet. The sound of her snuffling in whatever she snuffles in as she sniffs every leaf on a bush. I listen for the furthest sound I can here... and I fight the urge to touch my phone, answer a text, check Facebook. I never regret that. Those moments are important and on days that my nervous system is so janky and messy that all I want to do is eat Hershey bars with almonds and drink wine...I need silence. I need my friends. I need my dog and I need to check in with my body....not my mind. She is all over the place and always on the go. What is happening with my breath, my muscles, my tingling butt (a sign I have come to learn means RUN!! for me...) Only then can I feel like a human being... being human during Covid, noticing how tired I am from sloshing through this unprecedented time and trying to appear like I have it together. Do we realize how hard that shit is? I feel like one of those wind tunnel people outside the used car store, flopping around in the wind....the work it takes to stay still, stand straight and pretend I am not a mess.

The thought occurred to me today while in the woods and I am done pretending. All bets are off. So, I discovered I had a blog, and I said the things on my mind. I welcome hearing the things on your mind, without judgement- a soft spot to land with someone curious about maintaining balance- whatever that means.  

My hope is that you are finding things that bring you joy, that settle your mind, body and spirt. I hope you are well and have what you need. I hope you rage and sputter when you need too and have a fur baby (or any kind of baby) to snuggle. I hope that you are finding your way and that if you aren't, you have someone to tell. (you can reach me on one of these pages) until we can frolic in the streets. Chrystina 

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